This week....Mother's Day

So...I have had so much to get out of my head and onto this blog..but I will start with the most evident as we approach Mother's Day this year. Last year at this time we were walking through some of the darkest and hard times of our lives. Two days before Mother's Day I had to have a D&C to remove our little one who's heart was no longer beating. To say Mother's Day was hard last year is an understatement. To be honest this year has been such a year of searching and finding where my heart really was and not just my emotions. So, I have slowly been approaching this time with a healthy "big boy" and a beautiful family trying not to go back to that time. However, the truth is it is still very much a part of our lives. I long to be able to see him or her in heaven.
I am grateful for how much grace the Lord has given me through this process. When I finally had enough courage to just sit at His feet....He was the God of comfort like He had never been before. He has been able to use this awful process to bring perspective to how precious life is. It has opened doors to many who have walked through this road too. He has not and will not leave us to walk through it alone. For this I am most grateful for. Of course the why question was asked multiple times. I can not answer this question for certain, but I can tell you that He has used it mightily in our lives. Would I take it back...yes...I would never wish those moments on anyone, but am thankful that this day we know He uses all things for His glory and His purpose.
I am thankful for my mother this day...and I am grateful to be one to our precious blessing. I have failed miserably at the role but again am thankful for His grace that is new each morning and covers a multitude of mistakes. Though this heart still grieves...it does so with purpose now...with perspective...with hope.
On a side note...anyone who knows me well knows I adore Christy Knockels. When she was with Watermark, she and her husband had written this song....and I tried to attach it...but can't figure it out...I will leave you with the lyrics this day....thank you family and friends for all the support, encouragement, and love you have poured out on us this year. You will never know how much that has meant.

Glory baby, you slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened dear
You disappeared on us baby, baby

Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you

We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do

Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
'Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing

All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would
Just like he said he would

We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

I can't imagine heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know
All you'll ever know

We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Yeah, you'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do