Wow...I have wanted to sit down to write a great deal...I told Chris I had so much going on in my head that needed a place to land...well this is where a lot of those things land....good or bad...it is a very good outlet!
Anyhow, I have decided a few things....I watch way too much tv on a given day. It is not on much during the day but often at night I can sit for a couple hours and waste my life becoming wrapped up in things that don't matter and have no eternal significance. I am not at all saying that these things are wrong...I am just saying I struggle. Granted, I have been on some crazy medication that has limited my eye sight, but slowly it is coming back and therefore I will have no excuse whatsoever.
I have struggled with the issue of "mystical" answers that people blanket (me included)...some are true...but the source of that truth is unclear.
For example...many say "He won't give me more than I can handle"...I argue, yes He will...but, He isn't going to allow us to walk through something He can't handle. We don't have the ability to handle most things....we try...but in the end we fail. Instead of giving people the Biblical reason for something we give them a "mystical" one that sounds good...but is not fully grounded in the Word. This is why knowing scripture is so important. I want to have it so ingrained in me that it just overflows into my speech..I want to not have to go....Oh, I know that scripture is around here somewhere....I want to know it, love it, live it.
So, this week....the ones praying for me...pray that my eye sight will be fully restored and that this heart and mind will store scripture well....I have to pray for this, b/c I feel like I have the worst short term memory! I believe prayer works...I believe that knowing Jesus starts with knowing His word. I want to know it deeper....I want to live it...
I will probably elaborate on this latter...
Have a beautiful week!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
This week....Mother's Day
So...I have had so much to get out of my head and onto this blog..but I will start with the most evident as we approach Mother's Day this year. Last year at this time we were walking through some of the darkest and hard times of our lives. Two days before Mother's Day I had to have a D&C to remove our little one who's heart was no longer beating. To say Mother's Day was hard last year is an understatement. To be honest this year has been such a year of searching and finding where my heart really was and not just my emotions. So, I have slowly been approaching this time with a healthy "big boy" and a beautiful family trying not to go back to that time. However, the truth is it is still very much a part of our lives. I long to be able to see him or her in heaven.
I am grateful for how much grace the Lord has given me through this process. When I finally had enough courage to just sit at His feet....He was the God of comfort like He had never been before. He has been able to use this awful process to bring perspective to how precious life is. It has opened doors to many who have walked through this road too. He has not and will not leave us to walk through it alone. For this I am most grateful for. Of course the why question was asked multiple times. I can not answer this question for certain, but I can tell you that He has used it mightily in our lives. Would I take it back...yes...I would never wish those moments on anyone, but am thankful that this day we know He uses all things for His glory and His purpose.
I am thankful for my mother this day...and I am grateful to be one to our precious blessing. I have failed miserably at the role but again am thankful for His grace that is new each morning and covers a multitude of mistakes. Though this heart still grieves...it does so with purpose now...with perspective...with hope.
On a side note...anyone who knows me well knows I adore Christy Knockels. When she was with Watermark, she and her husband had written this song....and I tried to attach it...but can't figure it out...I will leave you with the lyrics this day....thank you family and friends for all the support, encouragement, and love you have poured out on us this year. You will never know how much that has meant.
Glory baby, you slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened dear
You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do
Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
'Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing
All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would
Just like he said he would
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
I can't imagine heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know
All you'll ever know
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Yeah, you'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do
I am grateful for how much grace the Lord has given me through this process. When I finally had enough courage to just sit at His feet....He was the God of comfort like He had never been before. He has been able to use this awful process to bring perspective to how precious life is. It has opened doors to many who have walked through this road too. He has not and will not leave us to walk through it alone. For this I am most grateful for. Of course the why question was asked multiple times. I can not answer this question for certain, but I can tell you that He has used it mightily in our lives. Would I take it back...yes...I would never wish those moments on anyone, but am thankful that this day we know He uses all things for His glory and His purpose.
I am thankful for my mother this day...and I am grateful to be one to our precious blessing. I have failed miserably at the role but again am thankful for His grace that is new each morning and covers a multitude of mistakes. Though this heart still grieves...it does so with purpose now...with perspective...with hope.
On a side note...anyone who knows me well knows I adore Christy Knockels. When she was with Watermark, she and her husband had written this song....and I tried to attach it...but can't figure it out...I will leave you with the lyrics this day....thank you family and friends for all the support, encouragement, and love you have poured out on us this year. You will never know how much that has meant.
Glory baby, you slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened dear
You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do
Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
'Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing
All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would
Just like he said he would
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
I can't imagine heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know
All you'll ever know
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Yeah, you'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
What will God take away?
Today Eli was singing a song around the house and after he was done he said "God will never take anything away from us". I paused and thought through how to respond...you all could have probably explained this much better. From experience though, God has surely taken things away from me. He has taken relationships, friendships, possessions, etc. At the end of the day though I know He has done it for His glory and for reasons beyond my comprehension at times. However, I am confident that He works all things out for His glory.
At the time of going through loosing something/someone emotions overwhelm my soul. I am confident though that He has used each one of these times to show Himself in all His perfection. I am grateful that He did not give up on this life long ago and I am thankful that He took many things away. Somethings I am still working on....but, I do not have to fully understand. I am okay with this. I am not God, nor would I ever want to be. So often with my actions, I try. Thankfully, I fail without question each and every time.
Anyhow, I know this post is random but it is what I have been processing today since Eli brought this question to my attention....would love to here your answers...
Thank you for praying for me. Believe me it is working!!
At the time of going through loosing something/someone emotions overwhelm my soul. I am confident though that He has used each one of these times to show Himself in all His perfection. I am grateful that He did not give up on this life long ago and I am thankful that He took many things away. Somethings I am still working on....but, I do not have to fully understand. I am okay with this. I am not God, nor would I ever want to be. So often with my actions, I try. Thankfully, I fail without question each and every time.
Anyhow, I know this post is random but it is what I have been processing today since Eli brought this question to my attention....would love to here your answers...
Thank you for praying for me. Believe me it is working!!
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